I’ve been waiting to have a miscarriage since the moment I found out I was pregnant. I’ll be waiting to have a miscarriage from the moment I find out I’m pregnant in all of my future pregnancies too. Every time I go to the bathroom I check for blood. Every time I draw labs I brace myself for bad news. I don’t know what it’s like to go for an ultrasound and get good news. All I know is miscarriage so I’ll always be waiting to have my next miscarriage.

I’m waiting to have a miscarriage right now.  I KNOW it’s going to happen…I just don’t know when. It’s not like I described above either. I don’t know it’s going to happen because it always happens. I know because I had an ultrasound last Thursday that confirmed it. I had an ultrasound that confirmed every fear since the moment I found out I was pregnant. This will be our 4th miscarriage and the Dr. tells me our chances of having a successful pregnancy in the future are pretty good. We have an 80% chance of having a successful pregnancy with our next pregnancy. Our next pregnancy has a 20% chance of miscarriage. That statistic is hard to believe when our personal rate of miscarriage is 100%.

We’ve now tried clomid, luteal phase progesterone, baby aspirin, acupuncture, Chinese medicine (herbal supplements), fertility massage, and the Whole 30 diet with no success. I’ve now realized that it doesn’t matter what I do…I’m either going to stay pregnant or have a miscarriage and it’s out of my control. It doesn’t matter if I eat a donut for breakfast every day or cut out sugar for 4 weeks. It doesn’t matter if I take herbal supplements that clear my acne and regulate my hormones. It doesn’t matter if I lie on a table with needles in my skin for 45 minutes. It doesn’t matter if I get a special fertility massage. I’ve realized that no matter what I do (or don’t do) it’s not going to influence whether or not  I stay pregnant. Nothing matters. It doesn’t even matter how much I pray. I prayed and prayed and prayed to get pregnant in the 2 months before our planned IUI and my prayers were answered. I prayed and prayed and prayed to stay pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and my prayers weren’t answered. I’ve realized that only God will determine whether we stay pregnant or have a miscarriage and there is nothing I can do to influence it.

But I still have to try. We’ve gotten pregnant 4 times in the past 22 months with only 11 months of actively trying (thanks to deployment, training, being pregnant, and post miscarriage recovery). We’re going to move forward with baby aspirin, luteal phase progesterone, and lovenox when I get a positive pregnancy test. I know it’s out of my control but I still have to try and I’ll still keep praying.

We’re also looking into IVF with PSG (in vitro fertilization with preimplantation genetic screening). We now have to decide how many more miscarriages we should endure before we throw in the towel and move onto IVF. Unfortunately there are still a lot of unknowns. We might stay pregnant the very next time we get pregnant or we might have 4 more miscarriages before we have a healthy pregnancy. There are no guarantees IVF will work. We might spend thousands of dollars and not get pregnant at all or we might get pregnant and still have a miscarriage.

I don’t know much, but I do know I’m going to have another miscarriage and I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a lot worse than the last. My labs haven’t started falling yet and I haven’t started bleeding yet and that combination tells me it’s going to be a bad one. The longer I’m pregnant the more painful the miscarriage (physically). We’re giving it a week to happen on its own and then we’ll have to move on to medications to make it happen. In the meantime we’re going to try and figure out when the right time to move on to IVF will be.

When you’re waiting on a miscarriage…life must go on. Even though the teeny tiny little life inside of me is ending the rest of the world keeps on turning. The dog still needs walked. Babies still need delivered. Dinner still needs cooked. And while there are a lot more sad times, there’s still a lot of love and laughter because life goes on.

As always, prayers are always appreciated as we move forward with our fertility journey.