24OCT16:  I don’t have any pregnancy symptoms but something has been telling me to take a pregnancy test for a few days. It’s been easy to resist because I’ve thought even if I am pregnant I don’t want to know yet. I want to wait as long as possible to find out so I can cut out some of the stress and worrying.

Dr. T told me to let him know if I don’t start my period in 3 weeks. That was 3 weeks ago. So today’s the day. Time to take a pregnancy test. I usually dip the stick in my urine and leave the room for 3 minutes so I don’t go crazy imagining lines that don’t actually exist while it’s processing. I’m pretty sure I saw a line forming before I even left the bathroom today, but I still left. That 2nd line was dark as could be when I returned.

Pregnant. Again. #5. Shoot. We weren’t supposed to get pregnant this time. We were supposed to have 1 cycle before we started trying again. Fear. Timid excitement. Hope. Wait. Don’t hope. Hope is scary. Ambivalence. Don’t be happy. Don’t be afraid. Just be. Better email Dr. T.

I hopped in the car and headed to the hospital shortly after emailing my Dr. He wanted me in for labs and an ultrasound. No gestational sac on ultrasound but a really thick uterine lining suspect of pregnancy.

Going at it full force this time. Starting the progesterone, baby Aspirin, and Lovenox today. Heading home to wait for labs results.

Progesterone 23. Hcg 1153. Good numbers. Really good numbers. I was hoping it would be in the 100s. Never would have expected >1000. Still not too excited. Still not too scared. Mostly ambivalent. We’ll just have to wait and see how my labs are trending and the true test will be an ultrasound in exactly one week that should definitely show a gestational sac.

26OCT16:  D and I still aren’t sure how to feel about this pregnancy. We want to be excited and hopeful but we’re really just terrified. We’re still surprised I got pregnant so quickly. The miscarriage is still fresh on our minds. We decided not to keep it a secret this time. We’re not actively telling anyone, but we’re not keeping it a secret either. There’s no point. It won’t change the outcome and I don’t feel like making up fake reasons for having my blood drawn and running downstairs to appointments.

Lab work. I’ve said over and over all day long, “Please be 2000. Please be 2000.”

3075. THIRTY SEVENTY-FIVE. 3075. Holy crap. It’s good. The results are actually good. We haven’t experienced good results in a pregnancy yet. 3075. THIRTY SEVENTY-FIVE. Three-thousand seventy-five. Excitement and hope creeping in. Happy dance. Happy cheer. Hope and excitement. Squash it. Hope and excitement are scary. We still have a long way to go before we’re holding our baby in our arms. There’s still way too much time for our hope and excitement to be crushed. Guarded Optimism.

28OCT2016:  Wasn’t scheduled for an ultrasound until the 31st but my labs were so good on the 26th Dr. T moved the ultrasound to today.

During the ultrasound…. Shoot. Nothing there. Dang it. Wait. Wait. There’s something. What is that? It’s something but even I know it’s not exactly what we’re looking for. But it’s SOMETHING. At this point I’ll take anything. I could still be early. That’s fine if I’m early.

That something was a possible gestational sac. Something that “might” turn into a gestational sac or it could just be some fluid. Have to wait for the labs. Labs are 5000! That’s good. Really good!

Bad Ultrasound. Good labs. Still no answers. Inconclusive. Still a waiting game. Always waiting. Next labs and ultrasound in 3 days. Maybe then we’ll have some answers.

31OCT2016: Good Ultrasound. Finally! An actual round gestational sac on ultrasound. Still no yolk sac, fetal pole, etc. but we have a gestational sac and that’s just fine if I’m only 5 weeks! Finally a good ultrasound.

Bad Labs. I got to ride on the high of a good ultrasound for a few hours before finding out my bad lab results. Hcg only went up to 7000. Yes, that’s rising. Not very fast though. Didn’t even increase by 50% in 3 days and docs want 60% in 2. They’re still optimistic though. Me? Not so much. If it’s not looking great with me it’s not good.

Another ultrasound and labs in 2 days. This is a never ending waiting game. Always inconclusive. Always let’s wait and see.

01Nov2016:  Bad ultrasound. Bad labs.

During the ultrasound:  There it is. There’s my sac. It looks different though. Is it different? It’s definitely different. Not quite a perfect circle like it was 2 days ago. Oh and what’s that? That’s new. That doesn’t look good. That looks like more “fluid”.

It was fluid. The gestational sac was still there, although a little more irregular shaped and there was a good amount of fluid near the cervix. Not a good sign. Expectant management for a miscarriage. Wait and see if it happens on its own. Another ultrasound and labs next week to check on the status of the miscarriage. Praying I won’t need Cytotec or a D&C. I’ll opt for the D&C. I don’t ever want to take Cytotec again.

As we’re waiting for miscarriage #5 we’re planning for IVF. I’ll post again soon regarding my thoughts about IVF and the road ahead.