This one is going to be a little long and a little random because there is A LOT on my mind.
First, I’d like to thank everyone who has reached out to us in some way to let us know they’re thinking about us or praying for us or just wondering how we’re doing. I’ve gotten text messages, Facebook messages, and even some snail mail from people who want us to know they’re thinking about us and praying for us and wishing the best for us. The truly amazing thing about all of these people reaching out is that a lot times it’s people who I actually don’t know all that well. It may not seem like much, but it truly means the world to me and I can’t thank you enough.
I’ve also had people tell me they’ve shared this blog with other people they know who are struggling with infertility. Hearing that makes my heart so happy! The #1 reason I’ve been so open about our struggles is to hopefully help someone else struggling with some form of infertility. Maybe someone who isn’t able to share their struggles with others will stumble upon my blog and feel comfort in knowing they are not alone on this journey. The thoughts and feelings that accompany infertility are strange and sad and ugly. The things we do and say while struggling with infertility are sometimes strange and sad and ugly. I want others to know they are not alone when thinking and feeling and saying and doing all of the strange, sad, and ugly things.
Your thoughts might be crazy and ugly, but YOU are not crazy and you are not ugly for feeling and thinking the way you do while struggling with infertility.
The 2nd reason I’ve been so open with our struggles is to bring awareness to infertility and help people (who have never suffered from infertility) understand some of the struggles.
So….here it goes, the random thoughts currently circulating my mind!
Christmas Spirit. I basically have none this year. I know Christmas is all about Jesus and I’m excited to go home and be with family this year, but I could honestly skip right past Christmas and into January because January is when we truly get to work making a baby and a baby is all I want for Christmas.
Sleep. I’ve never really been one to have difficulty sleeping. That has not been the case lately. I don’t really have trouble falling asleep, but I have not been sleeping well. I toss and turn and feel like I’m in a weird dream/wake state all night. I’m dreaming so I know I’m sleeping but I don’t feel like I’m sleeping. Sometimes my dreams are so terrible I wake up and can’t fall back asleep because I feel so terrible about dreaming the dream I dreamed. I dreamed that I purposefully made someone have a miscarriage because only so many people could be pregnant at once and if they were pregnant I couldn’t be. Absolutely horrible, right?
Friends. Not current friends or old friends but new friends. I don’t mind the idea of making new friends, but I have criteria. They can’t have kids and they can’t be trying to have kids. Even infertile friends can be dangerous because eventually somebody is going to get pregnant and it’s going to be real difficult for the other person. I basically only want to make new friends if they’re YEARS from wanting children.
Productivity. Before all of the miscarriages I thrived under pressure. The more I had on my plate the better I seemed to do. Not anymore. Not even close. Infertility is exhausting and overwhelming and it seriously consumes me. I used to be on top of my email and training and all of the extra stuff that accompanies work. Not anymore. I basically keep my moms and babies safe and that’s about all I can handle right now. Infertility has taken over my life. I feel like I’m a terrible friend and terrible employee and terrible family member. I simply don’t have energy for anything beyond infertility. It is exhausting, overwhelming, and consuming.
Nursery. If you think you’re crazy at any time throughout your infertility journey just take a pause and remember that I already have a nursery all planned out and have already purchased quite a few items for said nursery. Seriously though. The nursery walls are painted. We’ve built 2 cubby/storage shelves for the nursery. I have baby clothes. And maternity clothes. I have milestone blocks for when I’m pregnant. I have my weekly maternity photo dress. I have a baby swing. I have a baby carrier. I have almost all of the nursery decorations I’m ever going to need. I have a baby registry and when I see things that I’ve registered for on sale I have a really, really hard time not buying them. The struggle is real.
Jealousy. I’m pretty sure, even after I’ve had 5 kids of my own, I’ll always be jealous of women who get pregnant without any difficulties. I’ll forever be jealous of their entire pregnancy experience because, no matter how many children I have, I’ll never get to experience pregnancy the same way most women do. I know almost all women are nervous and fearful throughout their pregnancy. I know almost every woman can’t wait to get out of the 1st trimester and take a breath of relief. I also know those women don’t feel fear the same as someone who has had a miscarriage. Or 2. Or 3. Or 4. Or 5. They get an innocent, naïve pregnancy experience that women who struggle with infertility will never get. I will always struggle with infertility…even after I have my own children. I also know there are women who have gone through (or will someday) more than I’ll go through to get a child and they’ll think, “But you have no idea.”
We can never truly understand something we’ve never experienced and I know there is so much I’ve never experienced. Good and bad. In infertility and in life.