THIS IS INFERTILITY (My Story)

My guest bathroom has been overtaken by some unwelcome visitors…

Basal Body Thermometer.

Fertility Calendar.

Prenatal Vitamins.

Baby Aspirin.

Progesterone Suppositories.

Clomid.

Ovulation Tests.

Pregnancy Tests. 

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The guest bathroom isn’t the only thing they’ve taken over. Recently I’ve realized they’ve also taken over my life. My infertility is consuming me. Every morning I’m either bleeding, bleeding and taking Clomid, taking an ovulation test, inserting a progesterone suppository, and/or taking a pregnancy test. Don’t forget the daily prenatal vitamin and baby aspirin as well as some occasional blood draws at word. The morning temps will resume once I’m off nights. Beyond these “tasks” that are ruling my life I’ve also got the physical symptoms. Hot flashes, hormones/emotions, bruises (thank you baby aspirin and Jake), and vaginal discharge you don’t want to know about (For those of you who may need to take vaginal progesterone in the future—send me a message if you’d like to know about this—I would have liked a heads up). And even if all of the aforementioned didn’t exist I still wouldn’t be able to get pregnancy/infertility/babies off my mind. 1) I’m a Labor and Delivery nurse. My job is bringing babies into this world. It’s a pretty great job, but when all you want is a baby it can be mentally taxing to help other people meet their babies every day. 2) Every time I look at Facebook someone else is announcing their pregnancy or the birth of their baby. 3) I want a baby. I really REALLY want a baby.

When we first started testing to see why we were having miscarriages I prayed that nothing would be wrong. I wanted everything to come back negative. I didn’t want any answers because that would mean everything was normal. By the time we got to the SIS and HSG I was hoping I’d have a septum. I wanted to find a problem and I wanted the problem to have an easy fix. Find a problem. Fix it. Get Pregnant. Have a baby. We didn’t get any answers and we probably never will.

Lately my Facebook newsfeed has been inundated with pregnancy and birth announcements and baby photos. I love seeing them and am genuinely excited for the soon-to-be/new parents, but I am now all too aware of the sting that seeing those posts can bring. I know that when I get stay pregnant I’ll be counting down the days until I can make the big announcement on Facebook. I’m already thinking up cute ways to tell the world we’re expecting. 90% of me wants to do that big announcement. The other 10 percent? The other 10 percent can’t stop thinking about the heartbreak that others may feel when they see my announcement.

Most of the time most people only show the world their best days. You’d think everyone’s world is perfect after a quick scroll through Facebook and Instagram. We see the perfectly cleaned homes, the perfectly cooked meal, the perfectly behaved children. The fun weekend trips and vacations. Birthdays, engagements, weddings, anniversaries, babies. All the good stuff. Can’t complain about that right? It’s not at all bad that this is the majority of what is posted. Actually, it’s pretty darn good. My Facebook feed is full of happy, blessed, optimistic people.

We see all of the pregnancy announcements, but we don’t always know of the journey someone took to get there. I’m not there yet, but I’m definitely on the journey.

The worst part about infertility? I try not to be a crazy person and every month I tell myself I’m not going to be crazy but I just can’t help it. Every month I tell myself I’m not going to take a pregnancy test until I miss my period. I’m not going to take a pregnancy test when I KNOW it’s physically impossible for it to be positive…even if I am pregnant. Every month I tell myself I’m not going to let it consume me, but every month it does. I mourn with every period. Not only are they physically more painful following a miscarriage, but the emotional toll a period brings following a miscarriage and with infertility is overwhelming. And then the agonizing time between ovulation and waiting for the next period and hoping it doesn’t come.

Infertility is hard to explain and hard to understand. The roller coaster of emotions. I know it will happen. It will. I know I need to be patient and try to enjoy the journey. But it’s hard. It is so incredibly hard.

 

10 thoughts on “THIS IS INFERTILITY (My Story)

  1. Anne Newell

    Oh Courtney, I am so so sorry that you have to go thru this. Just know, I love you as much as I love my daughters; I’m so thankful for you, that you’re the One my son fell in love with and married; and you are in my prayers everyday.

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  2. Halli

    Hey Courtney,
    Sending you some love! I was incredibly moved (my little sister was told the chances of her ever having a successful pregnancy was slim). I hope you don’t mind I shared your link on https://www.reddit.com/r/ttcafterloss/ I know that this will comfort a lot of people who are going through the same thing.

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    1. thenewellsletter

      Thanks for reaching out Halli and thanks for sharing the link. Hopefully it will help someone else going through a similar situation. Praying your sister will beat the odds. Hope you’re doing well!

      Like

  3. mrs.t

    Your journey is very much like mine. My bathroom looks exactly like yours with the addition of Lovenox shots that I get to shoot into my belly every day after ovulation. I am currently waiting to go into the Dr. for a Beta on Mon. I am not even supposed to pee on a stick anymore, because they are giving me HCG shots right when I ovulate to make my progesterone spike and my lining happy and comfy for an egg. We are strangers but we are very much alike, and your courage to share this with the world means a lot to me.

    I too long for the day to post on FB, having lost 3 pregnancies. Part of me wants that post to tell the world about the struggle too, in case there is someone out there struggling with the same thing. I took FB off of my phone last month, because I couldnt stand the baby posts any more. It is all happy, right? But just once I’d like to see someone post the truth…
    “My marriage is unhappy.” “My children are ungrateful” “I had 3 miscarriages before I got this far.”

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  4. ladybugblessings

    Thank you for sharing this! I am currently going through my first “official” miscarriage (according to the medical community) and have a D&C scheduled for tomorrow. I have had two CP’s (99.9% sure due to low progesterone). This one I have been taking progesterone since 3 dpo but sadly, progesterone supplements make you ovulate early and the egg quality is not the best for a pregnancy. Of course, the doctors have a path they follow and I am doing it their way! Next though I have lots of testing coming and continuing to pray for a healthy baby. I read somewhere that the only ones who never got their healthy baby were the ones that stopped trying. So keep your head up and stay strong! And know that, while we don’t share all this on FB, you are NOT alone!

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    1. thenewellsletter

      Thanks for sharing. I’m so sorry you have to have a D&C tomorrow and pray everything goes well for you although I know that is already hasn’t since you have to have one at all. It does help to know that I’m not alone but I do wish so many people weren’t on this journey with me! I’ll definitely remember what you read and we definitely won’t stop trying.

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  5. Hallli

    Shortly after reading this article and posting I found out I was pregnant. When We went to the Drs. office for the dating appointment they informed me I was most likely going to miscarry the pregnancy. A week later I passed the pregnancy, it was awful. But this post helped me though some of the harder points knowing I was not alone and gave me the strength to share what I was going through with friends and family. Without this post I probably wouldn’t have told those close to me and it would have been a much darker lonely experience. Sending you lots of love!

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    1. thenewellsletter

      I’m sorry you had to go through a miscarriage and hope you won’t have to experience another. Thanks for reaching out and letting me know my post helped as that was my entire purpose for writing it….hoping it might help even just 1 person!

      Like

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