Infertility brings about many unwelcome thoughts and feelings. Some are self deprecating, some are hopeless, and some are just nasty and mean. Infertility itself screws with one’s emotions, but add in all of the hormones we put into our bodies and you’re in for one heck of a ride. Every time I feel any of these feelings I know they’re irrational and unreasonable. Right at the very moment I’m thinking these thoughts I’m also thinking about how irrational that very thought is, but I can’t help but feel it. Having these feelings doesn’t seem strange to me at all, but having these feelings and at the same time THINKING and KNOWING they are irrational doesn’t make any sense. I know it’s irrational so why am I still feeling that way? Fasten your seat belt, keep your hands inside the ride, and enjoy the roller coaster of my emotions you’re about to get a glimpse of! And before you feel sorry for me…remember I’m well aware they’re irrational and absurd!
I AM FAILING
I go back and forth between this one and the next. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing and sometimes I feel like my body is failing me. When I feel like I’m failing it’s that I’m failing as a woman and wife.
MY BODY IS FAILING ME
Other times I feel like my body is failing me. I’m young and fairly healthy so why isn’t it happening. I’m in ok shape, I eat pretty healthy, and all of the tests have come back normal but my body is still not cooperating.
I DON’T DESERVE THIS (INFERTILITY)
I also go back and forth between this one and the next. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to go through infertility and other times I feel like I must have done something to not deserve a child. I generally believe I’m a good person and someone once told me good things happen to good people so why am I going through this?
I DON’T DESERVE A CHILD.
Since good things happen to good people I must not be good and I don’t deserve a child. I don’t deserve to be happy.
IF ONLY I…
went to church more often
ate less sweets
worked out more
didn’t do that
I can think of a million things I can do better that might make me more deserving of a child. I can think of a million things I could have done or shouldn’t have done to prevent miscarriage.
WHY DO THEY GET A BABY?
These thoughts can turn nasty and mean real fast. I’m a better person than her, why does she get a baby? I eat healthier than her but she got pregnant. She’s not even married. She smokes and drinks and she got pregnant? Their pregnancy was an accident…they weren’t even trying! I’m not proud of these thoughts but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t cross my mind. Like I said….nasty and mean.
WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?
It definitely feels like I’m being punished. It feels like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do. What did I do to deserve this?
IT’S NOT FAIR
Plain and simple it’s just not fair. I know, I know…life is not fair.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND GOD’S TIMING OR HIS PLAN
I’m ashamed to say I struggle with this one. I know I’m supposed to have faith in God and His plan and His timing. I tell myself (and other people tell me too) that His plan is perfect and His timing is perfect, but I have a really hard time understanding and accepting it. Sometimes I just don’t believe it. How can His plan be perfect if I’m feeling so miserable. How can my misery be perfect? I know this is probably something I’ll understand later, but I really want to understand now. Can’t I have just a little glimpse into the future. Can’t He just let me see the outline? The rough draft?