Infertility brings about many unwelcome thoughts and feelings. Some are self deprecating, some are hopeless, and some are just nasty and mean. Infertility itself screws with one’s emotions, but add in all of the hormones we put into our bodies and you’re in for one heck of a ride. Every time I feel any of these feelings I know they’re irrational and unreasonable. Right at the very moment I’m thinking these thoughts I’m also thinking about how irrational that very thought is, but I can’t help but feel it. Having these feelings doesn’t seem strange to me at all, but having these feelings and at the same time THINKING and KNOWING they are irrational doesn’t make any sense. I know it’s irrational so why am I still feeling that way? Fasten your seat belt, keep your hands inside the ride, and enjoy the roller coaster of my emotions you’re about to get a glimpse of! And before you feel sorry for me…remember I’m well aware they’re irrational and absurd!
I AM FAILING
I go back and forth between this one and the next. Sometimes I feel like I’m failing and sometimes I feel like my body is failing me. When I feel like I’m failing it’s that I’m failing as a woman and wife.
MY BODY IS FAILING ME
Other times I feel like my body is failing me. I’m young and fairly healthy so why isn’t it happening. I’m in ok shape, I eat pretty healthy, and all of the tests have come back normal but my body is still not cooperating.
I DON’T DESERVE THIS (INFERTILITY)
I also go back and forth between this one and the next. Sometimes I feel like I don’t deserve to go through infertility and other times I feel like I must have done something to not deserve a child. I generally believe I’m a good person and someone once told me good things happen to good people so why am I going through this?
I DON’T DESERVE A CHILD.
Since good things happen to good people I must not be good and I don’t deserve a child. I don’t deserve to be happy.
IF ONLY I…
went to church more often
prayed better
ate less sweets
worked out more
did this
didn’t do that
I can think of a million things I can do better that might make me more deserving of a child. I can think of a million things I could have done or shouldn’t have done to prevent miscarriage.
WHY DO THEY GET A BABY?
These thoughts can turn nasty and mean real fast. I’m a better person than her, why does she get a baby? I eat healthier than her but she got pregnant. She’s not even married. She smokes and drinks and she got pregnant? Their pregnancy was an accident…they weren’t even trying! I’m not proud of these thoughts but I’d be lying if I said they didn’t cross my mind. Like I said….nasty and mean.
WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?
It definitely feels like I’m being punished. It feels like I’m being punished for something I didn’t do. What did I do to deserve this?
IT’S NOT FAIR
Plain and simple it’s just not fair. I know, I know…life is not fair.
I DON’T UNDERSTAND GOD’S TIMING OR HIS PLAN
I’m ashamed to say I struggle with this one. I know I’m supposed to have faith in God and His plan and His timing. I tell myself (and other people tell me too) that His plan is perfect and His timing is perfect, but I have a really hard time understanding and accepting it. Sometimes I just don’t believe it. How can His plan be perfect if I’m feeling so miserable. How can my misery be perfect? I know this is probably something I’ll understand later, but I really want to understand now. Can’t I have just a little glimpse into the future. Can’t He just let me see the outline? The rough draft?
The Newellsletter 
Courtney,
Your posts make me so sad. I wish I had something to say to make you feel better. But I don’t think there is anything I could really say. I do want you to know I’m so happy you are a part of my family. You are amazing. What will happen will happen and how you feel is how you feel, and that’s ok. The one thing I do want to say is you will be an amazing mom and NO ONE deserves a kid or will be a better mom than you. However that happens.
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Thank you Abby. That’s probably the best thing you could ever say. I’m so happy to be a Newell. Love you!
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So sorry for you. We went through the same thing.
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Courtnry, thank you for sharing your heart. My heart aches for you. I know how desperately you want to be pregnant & carry your baby to term. I too experienced every single emotion you are feeling. The why’s are endless.
I pray this dream comes true for you and your husband.
You will be a wonderful Mother someday!
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I hear you, Courtney. It was one of the most deeply painful experiences in my life. Infertility is so out of our control, but we’re forced to face it on a daily basis. I agree, I had feelings like I had failed as a woman, too. Like I could control it somehow, right? But it is something that we feel should come naturally…but then it doesn’t. What did I do wrong, did God curse me? Why is God putting me through this? I had those feelings, too. And anger toward other people at times, then anger at myself for having those awful thoughts. Ugh.
I think the fact that you’re dealing with your feelings and not giving in to anger and resentment says a lot about you. Sometimes we won’t ever know why we go through certain pains in this life. I still don’t completely know why I needed to go through 9 years of infertility and two miscarriages. Recently, a friend asked a group of us to share about where God has met us in times of struggle. I don’t think I had ever realized or put together some of the lessons God taught to me (and is still teaching me) during those years of infertility. I know my Mom and MIL were praying for me all the time; I had a boss who helped me get another job outside of L&D for a few years (she had struggled with many fetal losses); many of my sweet L&D patients over the years asked me over and over if I had kids and when I said, “No…” 8 times out of 10, they would offer their own testament or words of encouragement or prayer. I know in all of these little and not-so-little ways, God met me and took care of me. He showed me over and over that I was loved and lovable even when I didn’t measure up to my own expectations. I think I learned a lot about grace. Mostly grace for myself that I was lovable despite all of my imperfections, real or perceived.
I just say this because I want you to know that you are loved just as you are, dear Courtney. And it sounds like you have a sweet family that loves you, too. And you’re not alone, but your life and experiences are still unique and valuable. I wanted to share with you to not give up hope. I hope it was okay that I shared with you, because I know sometimes when you’re in the middle of it, you don’t really want to hear about how someone else had this experience and came through. But then I thought, if I didn’t share and you did need the encouragement, that would be sad. And we need to know that we’re not alone when we’re struggling.
(If you would like me to pray for you, I would love to.)
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